Repeating patterns. Familiar feelings. Traumatic experiences. I remember it all so clearly.
It's something I can never begin to explain to anyone. It's so much easier to understand it on surface level. It's so much easier for everyone else that way. And it's so much easier if I were to look at things the way everyone else does. Whatever they are on surface level.
Why do I always have to get in too deep? Why do I love with no defences up at all? I'm setting myself up for heartbreak in the worst possible way, all the damn time.
Why do I always fall in love with the very core of a person, their goddamn souls? It's the hardest kind to get over, a soul connection. It's possible, clearly, but it hurts so much, for both our souls.
At the end of the day, the person who gets hurt the most is me. I have to care about myself because at the end of the day, no one else is walking this path but me. I have to think about what's best for me, but I keep thinking and feeling everyone else's pain and wanting to fix it but I can't. It's not my job.
It's easier to judge a person's character by the things they do, not who they really are deep inside. It's easier that way. Just like how one is judged based on the law of what's right and wrong. There's always a clear line, and when you cross it, you get punished according to the severity of your crimes and mistakes. But it's a completely different game field if you were to think about the reasons behind a person's behaviour, you start to think that it's reasonable and forgivable what they did to someone even though it might be murder. When you start to look at things that way, on a regular basis, you no longer know what's right or what's wrong. Everything is justifiable, but you hurt, you hurt deeply because you know that the pain inflicted on you didn't feel like love, it didn't feel right. Your heart, soul, mind and body know that much. But you don't. You don't want to believe it. You still want to understand and justify it.
That's the hardest part of it all.
It's something else masquerading as love. And because I can't blame anyone, I chose to take all of it and blame it all on myself. And it's easier for everyone else to put the blame on me because no one will ever be me, for me. No one will ever be able to feel how I feel. The way I'm able to feel. Too much for anyone to take. Too much feelings for one to feel. Too overwhelming for anyone to understand. Too deep, too raw, too real. No one dares to be this honest with themselves because it hurts. Honesty hurts. Lies don't.
I'm so unkind to myself. The love and understanding I give others, they're all I need for myself. I needed someone to defend me the way I defended others. It's like being murdered, and telling everyone else that it's okay, and that I understand the reasons why I'm being murdered. It doesn't take away the fact that I lost my life just so that someone could hurt me. You can't do that to you. You can't. But when your heart dies, and body stops living, your soul lives on, right?
What is the most important thing?
What if the true crime here is just the fact that I'm being... me?
Here I am telling myself,
"Stop justifying bad behaviour. Just stop. You know when something isn't right, your entire being tried to warn you. You just keep ignoring yourself, trying to believe in the good in others when all they keep showing you is how much they are able to hurt you. You don't want to see that, why do you refuse to?
At the end of the day, it always ends with you acting crazy trying to get someone to be on your level when they'll never be there with you. Not everyone wants to face their emotions head on like you do. In fact, no one likes being in an uncomfortable situation for too long. The only person in this world who could withstand and tolerate that much pain is you. You take it like you're the last thing that mattered. You trusted all the wrong ones. The ones who didn't deserve your heart. The ones who would only see what's wrong with you and not what's right."
Too much. Always too much. Too hard to love.
I must be...
"In a manner of speakingI just want to say
That I could never forget the way
You told me everything
By saying nothing"
- 'In A Manner Of Speaking' by Nouvelle Vague
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