As the year is coming to an end, I find myself thinking about everything that happened throughout the year to see how far I've come. Honestly, this year feels a lot like a blur. It's almost crazy how it's almost 2022 already. Where did the year go? This goes to show that time flies even when you're not having fun.
In a world where the only achievements that matter are significant milestones in life, the little goals often get unnoticed. Life is about celebrating moments, no matter how big or small. In many ways, I have grown so much this year, in unimaginable ways.
I know 2022 will be different. A good kind of different.
It's been more than a year since my last flight. I never talked about my secondary employment but I'm forever thankful for the memories and experiences I had there, it was my place of healing. I met so many people who came into my life and taught me so much. It was hard for me to leave because I grew so attached to everyone. It came to me like an answered prayer, right when I needed it the most.
If there was a pause button in life, my secondary employment was it. It made me look at life so differently, and groomed me with skills I never thought I'd possess today. It was my safe place.
Now it's time to unpause and I'll be back flying again in January.
Feels a little surreal, because I know I'm not the same person I was the last time I donned my uniform. During that break, so many things have happened that it was impossible for me to view life the same way again. So this is very much like a brand new start of my brand new life.
I'm still picking up my pieces as I go along, but I knew it was the right time to return. I had to leave my safe place eventually, and continue doing what I was supposed to do. Flying will never be the same again, and we can't forget that the pandemic did happen and we're still trying to find a way to adapt to the "new normal". I'm going to hold on to all that I've got and make the most out of the situation at hand.
What do I want to achieve in 2022?
This was a question my facilitator asked during one of the courses that I was rostered for this month. Some wanted to start businesses, some wanted to develop plans for early retirement, some had their own personal goals they want to achieve. Mine?
I just wanted to honour my internal strength and be mentally healthy by the end of 2022. That's my goal.
That was what I shared with everyone, which surprisingly won me a $10 Grabfood voucher from my facilitator because it was upvoted by my coursemates. (Thank you everyone, hehe)
Mental health.
Early this year, I took up a counselling course because it's something that I've been interested in for a while. I started reading self-help books on psychology as well because I wanted to understand human behaviour. This was how I coped with my depression and anxiety. I'm the kind of person who would question the "whys" of everything, and I will try to find the answers as best as I can. For one to understand, we must learn to empathise, and to truly empathise you have to be able to imagine how it's like to put yourselves in other people's shoes. Often times, doing that is uncomfortable but imagine the kind of healing you can find just by understanding yourself. It helps you understand why others behave the way they do as well. The world would be a better place.
I wanted to bring myself back to a place where I was able to understand why I feel the way I feel. I needed to find it inside of me to understand the storms inside my heart, and forgive myself for not being mentally healthy right now. It's a journey, I'm still learning to be kinder to myself.
Depression is a very lonely illness, it's hard to explain it to those around you. I had the best support around me, but I knew that the most important person I needed was me. I needed to pour that love I had given to others, back into my own cup. I needed to focus on me the most. I've failed so many times throughout the whole episode, I fall back into that deep, black hole every time I got too overwhelmed with emotions. There are so many things I wanted to do, and achieve, and let go of, but I couldn't because my mind has a way of making me feel so worthless. I needed so much time, just to stabilise myself. That's honestly the reason why it took so much longer than usual for me to find the strength inside of me to pick myself up, take steps to progress in my own life. I have to practice forgiveness so many times, before I got to where I am right now.
It isn't easy to be writing this for all of you to read. It isn't even scratching the very surface of what I've felt during the time I was hiding away in my own world. But I'm ready to talk about it casually right now because I finally regained strength to continue finding joy in what I love most: Writing.
My achievements may not be like what everyone is accustomed to. It may not be the typical milestones in life everybody would be happy to share on their social media, but for me, it's a big deal. It is a celebration of my strength, my progress, and a step towards my goal in 2022 (and forever more), which is to be in a place where I can say that I'm mentally strong and healthy, and that I will be able to overcome any challenges with positivity. And I think that it's something that we all give ourselves so little credit for. The very fact that we survived the whole year in one piece, despite the struggles and challenges and adversities we faced. I think that's something to be proud of.
When my mind isn't a big cloud of ten million thoughts, and I am able to learn how to focus on one thing at a time, I'll find time to write more about mental health in sub-topics.
For now, my only wish for everyone for the new year is to continue working hard on finding peace and happiness in every decision you make in life. Learn to love yourself a little more, and listen to what your body and soul needs. When you find yourself falling into unhealthy patterns, come back and focus on your thoughts and think of yourself as someone you deeply care about and give yourself what you need. If time is what you need, take all the the time you need to figure things out. It's your journey, no one and nothing else matters.
Cheers to the new year, folks.
Love,
Ashhy
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