Feeling a little wistful, with this song in the background.
Fitting, I’d say.
In the world of worlds I feel inside of me, I still find myself not being able to comprehend why sometimes I feel the way I feel, and what exactly am I to do with all that I’m feeling right now.
Maybe it’s fear. The fear of being seen for exactly who I am. Maybe it’s not the kind of person I would think is ideal. Maybe I don’t want anybody seeing that side of me, or maybe I’d just like to protect my own facade. And maybe, just maybe, something inside me wants all my ugly exposed.
And would it honestly be so bad?
There’s a Netflix series that I recently just discovered, it’s called East of Eden. It’s an adaptation of a book, a popular book at that, by John Steinbeck. I believe it’s been around for decades, yet I didn’t know of its existence until I watched the series.
You know, normally, people read the books and then get excited when a movie adaptation is being produced. However for me, it was the other way around. After watching the series, I felt like it transported me back in time to secondary school, where the only subject I actually enjoyed was Literature that it inspired me to take Pure Lit for my ‘O’ levels. At a time where peer pressure was real, I didn’t choose to follow any of my friends with their choices of subjects because I knew that I loved Literature, and would choose it even if I had nobody to do it with me.
I loved words. I love how a lot can be said in between the lines. I love the play of words, and how it might be interpreted differently based on how you read into things, and that’s still yours to claim. I love when lines are blurred, and nothing can be absolutely right or absolutely wrong. I believe in gray areas, I believe the line between good and bad can be differentiated by choice, as East of Eden suggests- Timshel, or “Thou mayest”.
I found myself thinking about that single word a lot. That single-handedly made me want to read the book even more. I love it when something fascinates me. I love it when something gives me a little more to think about, because I’m convinced that that’s why we’re in this world for. To wonder, to think a little harder, to question, and ultimately, to learn.
I can’t get over how beautiful the song ‘Oceans & Engines’ is, by Niki. I’ve been listening to it on repeat since the very first day I’ve started on this post.
I love poetry. I love it when one uses a beautiful way to describe how they feel. To me, poetry is like putting a beautiful robe on something ordinary and making it your own masterpiece. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone, but you know there’s no other way you’d rather describe the way you feel than to make it prettier, deeper, and sometimes, a lot more painful. That way it stays impactful. That way it’s a lot more beautiful. And tragic.
“Tonight was the first time I stared into seas of beguiling sepia two years agoAnd the first time I learned real world superpowersLived in three words and could revitalize my fraying bones
What do you do when your pillar crumbled downYou've lost all solid groundBoth dreams and demons drownedAnd this void's all you've found and doubts light it aglow
I have so many questionsBut I'm pouring them into the ocean and I'm starting up my engine”
It’s safe to say that Niki’s songwriting made me pause a little while I think about what she’s trying to say in these words that she’s singing. It touched me deeply. Just as how the word “Timshel” lives rent-free in my head right now.
For someone who loves to question everything, I’m beginning to learn that perhaps not every question needs an answer. That sometimes, no matter how deeply you search, there are things you may never come to understand. And maybe, there’s a certain kind of peace in accepting that.
Sometimes you don’t get a chance to have a proper closure, but instead of trying to dive deeper in search of answers, it’s better to pour them into the ocean and put it to rest.
Perhaps it’s better that way.
Love,
Ashhy
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