“I met the saddest version of myself this year.”

“I met the saddest version of myself this year.”

This was the first page of a post I stumbled upon on Instagram recently. I don’t know why, but it struck something inside of me. I find that I resonated to this, a lot deeply than I thought I would. 

It’s hard. It’s hard for me to admit to difficult feelings sometimes, because I realised that I have this pattern of trying to turn every negative feeling into something positive, or a lesson to learn from. But as I get older, I feel like sometimes, I don’t really have to convince myself that I’m okay, when it’s clear that I’m not. Not yet, at least. It’s actually okay to sit with your feelings until you’re ready to move on.

In some strange way, I felt like I needed to go through this. I can’t help but shake this feeling that I’m currently in an important, pivotal transition stage of my life. And yet, I’ve been far too stubborn to make the right steps forward into the direction that I needed to go. Something inside me has been screaming at me, to make that move. After all, even the best game goes nowhere if you’re too afraid to touch the pieces. 

But perhaps when you spend too long refusing to make a move, life eventually moves without you.

And just like that, it’s check mate.

And you weren’t the one who won the game.

Here’s the full version of the post:

I met the saddest version of me this year.

The version of me I never thought I would become.

I lost my spark.

I lost my peace.

Some days, I even felt like I lost myself.

My mind became a place I couldn’t escape from.

I smiled around people, while quietly falling apart inside.

This year showed me how much pain a person can carry in silence.

But it also opened my eyes.

I saw people for who they really were.

I learned that not everyone who stays around you is truly there for you.

I learned that losing yourself can sometimes be the beginning of finding yourself again.

This year broke something inside me.

But maybe it was breaking me open to become someone new.

And it’s not even over yet. But neither am I.

This post actually hit me hard, because indeed I have met the saddest version of me this year. 

It could’ve destroyed me, but I didn’t want to give anything or anyone that power over me, because the only person who could decide that, is me. There will be a time when I could talk about this freely and openly, but now isn’t the time.

And yet, in the grand scheme of things, I have also met the happiest version of me this year, too. 

Life is bittersweet that way.

Love,

Ashhy