It's been a whole year since my last post. And I thought maybe writing might do me some good tonight. It wasn't intentional. I just have a lot in my mind. A lot of thoughts and self-reflection that I've been doing the past couple of days, making it a little crowded in my head and I thought maybe, just maybe, writing them into words might just help me a little with the whole process.
Before I get to that, I just want to show a little appreciation to those of you who are still here, who are still reading, still lurking, still wanting to get a little glimpse of my inner thoughts. The biggest compliment or flattery that I could ever receive is when people come up to me and tell me that they like what I write about in my blog, and they wondered why I stopped writing. Thank you, for coming up to me to tell me how my posts have helped you cope with your depression and mental state of mind. I know how isolating it can be to feel as though you're going through this alone, but you're not. You're truly not.
In fact, I understand how difficult it is to talk about mental health. It's also partly why I have been trying to keep a little quiet, not baring my soul as how I dared to before. It can be daunting, you see, being this open and vulnerable when you don't know if the people at the other side of the screen are good souls who are with you, or just lurkers waiting to see you fall. To be honest, my heart is beating out of my chest as I typed all these. It gives me a great amount of anxiety, but I know it's something I have to overcome.
Why? You'd ask. I guess, it's because I believe that the other side of fear is a beautiful thing. At the end of the day, nobody else's opinion truly matter. I guess, it's because I've come to realise that not only does my openness and vulnerability help you as a reader, but it also helps me as a writer, to truly understand why I'm having these whirlwind of emotions and how exactly to put them into words so I can think about how to overcome them. I guess, this is how I truly heal. Even it takes a whole year for me to get here.
I guess, when I'm writing on this blog, I feel like I'm getting closer to the version of me that had been hidden away for so long. The girl who writes about her thoughts, feelings and is fearless about baring her soul.
These days I've been thinking about how easily I get emotionally and socially drained that I almost always choose to be alone after a flight because I have to recharge my social battery, and recharge well. It's almost like if I were to go out with my set of crew after a flight, it means I must be comfortable enough with them to sacrifice my rest and alone time for more social activities post-work. That honestly doesn't happen a lot because I'm someone who craves a real connection and does rather badly at small talks because I'm so socially awkward, so I stay away from meaningless interactions as much as I can.
I know it's a little odd, how someone could be this introverted and closed up, yet still be in a line of work that encourages you to be extroverted and pretty much a social butterfly, but we do exist in this line. And a lot of introverts actually do really well in this job, somehow. There are also a lot of people who are somehow in the middle of the spectrum where they are able to switch between their personalities to fit the role they're playing in their profession and personal life. I, however, belong in the category of introverts who are very close the furthest end of what you would think an introvert would be like. Top that up with a little bit of anxiety issues and healing through a series of mental health issues that I typically don't say out loud.
Living in that state of mind, can be exhausting. The noise is typically on the inside, and it's almost too loud for yourself to deal with. When my social battery runs out, it's like I'm screaming for relief in a sense of aloneness. It's when I finally get time to myself, that's when I could recharge and be at my happiest. The world moves too quickly, but when I'm alone, I feel like time slows down, it's peaceful and I can hear my thoughts a little better too. When I can finally listen to them, I'm more than able to give myself what I truly need and deserve.
Not many has the privilege to truly see and get to know the real me. And I guess not many will. It takes a lot for me to open up to someone, and I consider it to be a rare honour to have a glimpse into the deepest part of my soul. All the good, bad and ugly. It takes a certain kind of strength in an individual to be able to handle that too. I don't trust easily, and it takes a lot for me truly let my guard down.
I have learned that the only safe place you have is the home you've made for yourself.
And what I mean by this is that, you can care a ton about others, but you will always hurt if you expect them to care for you the same way. You can pour all your love into another, but don't ever leave nothing behind for yourself. It's not selfish to love yourself. It's not selfish to take care of yourself first before you take care of others. You have to show up for yourself first.
Let your heart be your safe place. Let yourself be the number one priority of your life. That way, your expectations of others won't ever lead to disappointments. Because at the end of the day, you know you have yourself to fall back on. Let the home you've build inside you be the safest most comfortable space you have for yourself, because that's what you deserve. You have it in you to give yourself what you deserve.
Always remember that.
Love,
Ashhy
Ashhy
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