"I'm stronger because I had to be. I'm smarter because of my mistakes. I'm happier because of the sadness I've known. Now I'm wiser because I've learned."
Life as I've known it has been different lately. Change is the only constant.
I used to be able to write freely, without fear. Now I seem to hold back a lot. I still think that one has to possess great strength to be able to wear their vulnerability like a crown. I have no such strength now. Right now, the best thing I can do for myself is to protect my privacy like my life depended on it.
Still, my heart had the urge to write.
I remember how I used to sit for hours in front of my laptop, just typing my thoughts away. I didn't care if it had views or if it didn't, I just knew that it was really therapeutic for me to be able to put my thoughts into words. I realised how easily I forget the things I think about, the emotions that I feel. I think forgetting is my coping mechanism, that's how I deal with things when it gets too difficult. My brain just doesn't want to remember these things anymore, but I know I have to move forward to another day so I just, simply, forget. Writing helps me remember, so I remember exactly how I felt at a particular moment in time.
Like I said before, I used to be able to do this easily, but now even the words don't flow as smoothly. I want this space to be a part of my healing. I want to remember my healing as a positive thing, not something that I just simply want to get over.
It took me a while to get myself into a state of mind where I could start writing, and didn't end up deleting the whole thing because it was either too emotional, too wordy or too depressing. I finally reached a point where I feel like I could understand why sometimes going through hardships are necessary for our growth.
I refuse to be a damsel in distress.
I know that at the end of the day, I have what it takes to get myself out of any situation that's deemed difficult. I know that if Allah brings me to it, then He will help me through it. He has given me so much. No matter how much he takes away from me, He blessed me with so much goodness in this world, even more than I deserve.
So this is the start of me standing back up tall. To be honest, I have no idea what the future holds. I have no idea if this is only the beginning of a series of hardship for me, or if it's just a little calm before the storm. I have no clue. But I know that my heart is in the right place, and I will constantly work towards getting myself stronger and better every day. Life is an uphill battle.
I know I will never give up on me.
I'm all I've got.
Love,
Ashhy
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