They call it 'adulting'

Hi there! I know it's been a while since my last post. Just figured taking a step back from social media could help heal the soul a little.

It's already July, but the month of June was a meaningful one for me.

Firstly, this was the first time in a long time that I managed to fast for the entire 29 days of Ramadan and that's one of the best things that's ever happened to me this year. I don't know if it's a curse or a blessing that my period came really late, but I prayed so hard for God to let me fast the entire month because it meant so much to me.

It wasn't just another month of fasting for me, it was a month of fasting through different time zones and spending many days starting and breaking fast, in different countries, different continents, and sometimes, while flying above them all- and most days, away from my family, away from home.

There were days I had to fast for 18 hours straight, and there were days I had to work through most of the hours. I had to Google the different times for sahur and iftar for different countries, they're never the same. With nobody to wake me up anymore, I'd depend mostly on my alarm clock to wake up in the wee hours to have my pre-dawn meal. And when we're up in the aircraft, I would make inflight calls to the Captain to ask for the hours till sunset as we are flying through continents - meaning time doesn't exist - the only tell-tale is the rise and fall of the sun.

They say, travellers are excused from fasting, I knew that, but I didn't want to use inconvenience as an excuse. I knew I could do it, and I had to do it because He wants me to- and as long as I have the will, I know He'll make it happen for me. That was my motivation. I actually learnt and grew so much from this experience, so this Ramadan will always be special to me.

Then Syawal came and I had a week off from work and spent it in Singapore with my family to celebrate. The excitement for Raya isn't like how it was growing up, I think it used to be a lot more fun when we were younger. Now I look at it in a completely different light, though surprisingly I actually enjoy the fact that I'm giving out Raya envelopes instead of receiving them.

I just find it to be a lot less meaningful than what Ramadan was to me. On top of that, it just makes me realise how tiring it is to spring clean your entire house and to entertain guests all day long. I literally threw away three ginormous bags of clutter from my room a day before raya. And I remember thinking to myself, "How the f did I let myself keep all those junk for so long?"

Then comes the entertaining of guests, which I must say has become second nature due to my job. I made it a point to be there for my parents when they held an open house for the weekend for relatives to come over. I wanted to be there for my parents as much as possible, so I put it upon myself to help out with the cooking, serving drinks and all the cleaning. It simply felt like I was working onboard, except that I'm at home- and doing this absolutely for free.

I just find myself realising a lot of things that I used to be blinded by before. It feels like a lot of shit is becoming real to me. Don't you find it amazing, how our parents do all these 'adulting' and still manage to radiate so much positivity? Superheroes are real, guys, and they come in a pair- they're our parents, that's who real-life superheroes truly are.

How do they do these things and not go absolutely bonkers?

I know what you're probably thinking. Where on Earth are all these coming from? What's with the sudden pressure of being an adult? Have I not really seen all these coming before? 

Honestly, yes.

In these little moments, I see my life flashes before my eyes. On top of all the beautiful things that's about to happen, all the moments that I've been waiting for, the fairytale bits of growing up, I'm also starting to see the reality of it all. The closer I am to that, the more I think about my future and what I can do to make life better.

Moving on to the next phase

Luke and I went back to HDB again early this month to make the downpayment for our house. Yes, a place we both could call home. It has dawned on us that the time is finally here, shit is about to get real. We're no longer a couple of kids back in school anymore, now it's time for us to make big decisions in our lives, but I know it's going to be okay, because we're doing this together. 

There's so much uncertainty, yet I feel like we're on the right track. It always feels right with Luke, it has always been this way. We were really excited, talking about our future together that day. I think Luke's even more excited than I am because he even dreamed of us living together that very night. It's just an exciting phase for us both, to know that things are progressing the way that we had planned. 

This is the part where I feel like my priorities have changed. 

My job has provided me a comfortable lifestyle for my own needs thus far, but soon, my life as a singleton will end and I will have to think about bigger things ahead. I've decided that this is the time that I start putting more effort into saving up. And I mean, really saving up. 

It's that same savings account I've kept to afford my car and my luxuries, now I've got to forget about my other materialistic plans and focus on saving for the future, the real 'adult' stuff. This is where I feel like my mindset has changed, that I'm finally adopting a "grown-up" way of thinking. Not necessarily liking it, but I know I've got to do what I've got to do. 

This is why I've been quiet. There's a lot of shit that's going through my head, planning ahead and figuring things out. A lot of new things that I'm not accustomed to, throwing myself into very uncomfortable situations for my own good- all for future's sakes. It's safe to say that I've been doing a lot of thinking. 

I'm not saying I've got it all figured out, yet, but I'm working towards it. 

Life is a work in progress, in all ways, always. It's about finding that glimpse of light even when you're breathing like a fish out of the water.

I haven't got that part figured out yet, but at least I know that beam of light that I need will always be right by my side. At least I know in this life, no matter what gets thrown into my way, I'm not alone. I'll always have that beam of light that is Luke.

And suddenly, it all doesn't seem so bad after all.

Love,

Ashhy