Would she be proud?

Hi guys! I know it's silly but I do feel the need to apologise for the lack of interesting content on my blog lately. I have to admit, my life is pretty boring these days but strangely, I find myself being more content than ever.

Right now, I'm just chilling in my room with my fairy lights on, feeling all comfy and cosy right here on my bed. It's the epitome of a lazy day, doing nothing but relaxing in the best way I know how- right here, at home.

I always seem to be in the mood to write these days. I don't know if it's more of the boredom taking over, or that I just have a lot of things on my mind. Writing is always therapeutic for me, and to be able to reach out to more of you than I've ever expected seemed to have given me more purpose to keep this blog going.

There's a question that's been on my mind lately:

"If my younger self met me today, would she be proud?"

Growing up, I've always been a little awkward and shy. There's a lot of time I wish I was a little more confident and that I loved myself a little more. I've always been the kind of girl who sits quietly in class and tries to blend in with the walls instead of trying to be under the spotlight. It's not that I don't want to be, but I am just too shy to function that I rather hide all my weaknesses and even my strengths so I wouldn't have to deal with the thought of messing up, especially under social situations.

I am the epitome of contradictions. I didn't like having the spotlight on me, but I've always been more comfortable on social media. I'd say I haven't changed much in that department since. I'm the kind of girl who loves going on school camps, but would be too shy to take on any leadership roles. I'll have ideas in my head, but would be too afraid to speak up.

I've always had this thought that someday, when I'm older, I will be all the things that I want to be. I've always imagined myself being in a better place, and most importantly, I pictured myself being happy. I didn't know how I was going to get there, but I knew that was the direction that I want to head towards. I knew that someday, I am going to be proud of the person that I've become.

"For what it's worth, I owe the world to them"

Looking at things from a bigger picture, I think that I only start appreciating what I have and what I'm blessed with after I've met Luke in my life. I've never met anyone as mentally strong, who were able to go through some of the toughest things in life but still manages to smile, and put a smile on others at the same time, as Luke is. I think it's amazing how much good is in his heart, and how pure his intentions are, and how ridiculously patient he is with every obstacle that he has to go through, yet never put the blame on anyone else or the universe. I think to have that kind of strength requires a lot of maturity, and to come out a better person despite what the universe throws at you, just reflects on who you are as a person.

And for me to see his life from an outsider's point of view, it inspires me to be thankful for what I have. I learn to love my parents more than ever, and all I want to do is to repay them for all the things they have done to ensure that we grow up into decent human beings. I find it so amazing how my parents didn't have much, but they brought us up with however little they have and manage to provide all that we need and more. Education, a shelter over our heads, food on the table, good values. Now it's the time for them to sit back, and let us take care of them instead. I owe the world to them.

As years go by, I became closer to my mum. Our relationship has evolved into more of a friendship- I can talk to her about anything and everything, and likewise. The kind of relationship I have with my mum is what I hope to have with my daughter someday. I love my mum to death, and until now, every time I touch down overseas or when I'm leaving, I'll always text her first. It has become a habit. And when I'm having my off day, part of the reasons why I love staying at home is because I get to spend a little bit more time with her.

"At one point of my life, I found confidence in myself" 

My once meek self has found a voice in writing. This is the platform where I feel comfortable enough to express my thoughts, my feelings and basically, just anything that goes on my mind. I'm still the same soft-spoken person who rather listen more than speak in a group, but writing gives me the chance to be in the spotlight for once. It's where I feel like there are someone out there who are willing to read and listen to me for a change. When I receive comments from you guys, it feels like an instant day-maker. To know that my positivity can inspire others, and that there are people out there who enjoy reading what I wrote, it just means so much to me.

I guess the most important thing to me right now is to stay true to myself, and to find comfort in writing as how it has always been from the very beginning. Looking back on my older posts, it's always been a series of stories of my ups and downs in life, and all the beautiful happy moments I've always been inclined to share. And I hope that it'll always stay this way.

It doesn't matter if I'm the loudest person in the room, or if I'm blending in with the backgrounds. What's more important is how well you carry yourself, and when you realise your self-worth, your confidence will radiate from the inside, and it will show. Your aura is stronger than you think. When you feel good about yourself, you look good. So every day, I want to work towards feeling good on the inside, so that everything that I feel about myself will translate to how I carry myself. That comes the part of self-loving.

"Life is always a work in progress. We're always growing, always evolving."

I used to hold on to the past a lot.

Back then when I felt like I looked better because I was smaller, when I was more motivated to stick to my diet plan and work out. I felt like there was a point of time where I was just so driven to achieve my goals that I didn't let anything stop me. I would always look back and compare myself now to how I was back then.

But what I failed to realise is that is life is always a work in progress. We're always growing, always evolving, even without us realising.

Sometimes, I'd beat myself down for not being as disciplined as I was before. There are days when I feel like I don't look good enough, not pretty enough, not small enough, and that I was eating way too much. With all that going through my mind, I didn't feel good about myself.

But, is that true?

The same time I was beating myself down, it is also me who brings my gym attire to every layover like religion, made it a point to gym whenever I can, go for regular runs during my off days, and ate like a normal person would instead of always opting for healthier options like I used to before.

While beating myself down, I was also the same person who made decisions to be kinder to my body and improve on my social life by not being that girl who eats way too little and never finishes her food. It was easier for Luke and I to have our meals outside because I wasn't as strict as before. I indulge on my favourite food every once in a while without regrets because I knew exactly what to do to burn it off. And the best part is that, I'm always very energetic to work out because I was eating enough, and now is constantly looking for different options so my work outs would always be fun and exciting.

I do these things for myself, yet I fail to see that despite how I feel at times, I was actually making better decisions for myself and my body. I keep comparing myself to the past, thinking if I still had that body, I will be happier, but it's not true.

What I wish for myself now is to improve on my quality of life by living in the now, loving as hard as I can, and always be thankful for everything that life has blessed me with.

Now, back to the big question,

"So, would she be proud?"

I know she will be.

Honestly, I think she'll cry tears of joy and admiration for the person she has learnt that she will grow up to be. Because at that stage of her life, she doesn't know if any of her wishes will over come true. She doesn't know that she's going to meet the love of her life at 17, and that he will love her more than life itself. She doesn't know the meeting him will change her life in the best way possible, because he gives her so much strength, courage and most importantly, happiness.

She doesn't know that she will grow up to be someone who will have the deepest love for her parents, and she will soon understand that she owes her life to her parents- who gave up so much of their lives just to bring her up to be a person they can be proud of, and most importantly, to grow into a person that she herself can be proud of. She will learn that nothing in this life is more important than loving those two people who have been and still is giving her so much, even when she's 22.

She doesn't know that one day, somehow, she will have the opportunity to visit so many cities in different countries, all over the world and gaining so much experiences along the way. Everything that seemed to be out of reach for her, in a world so big, suddenly become possible and attainable. Right now, she's only dreaming of being in Paris. But one day, she'll soon see a picture of herself standing right in front of the Eiffel Tower.

She doesn't know her strength to be able to deal with so much bullshit in her job, that I'm sure she'll be surprised when she sees the tough cookie she has grown to be. She will soon realise that one day, she will outgrow her shy self and become so comfortable talking to strangers from all walks of life and become a natural at it. She'll be so surprised at how her job has changed her for the better, from a girl who used to hide in the backgrounds to a girl who will be talking to the taxi uncles about life, talking to business men about travelling, caring for mothers with infants and discussing about marriage and houses with her colleagues.

She doesn't know that one day, she will grow up to be a person who set big goals for herself- like buying her dream car at 22. It's probably the biggest decision of her life as of this moment. She will soon realise that owning a property means putting aside a lot of savings, and lots of sacrifices has to be done in order to afford the luxury of having her own car. She will learn that growing up comes with responsibilities and paying bills is one of them, and she'll learn be okay with that. I hope she knows that although the going gets tough, she will be able to make it through somehow. She always does.

And I want her to know,

"Everything that I do, I do it with her in mind."

Your life is a journey, and you'll never know the rocky roads you'll face. I'll never know what kind of obstacles are just waiting to happen. I'll never stay the same person, I'll always continue to grow, and change, and grow again. At this point of my life, I'm content. I'm happy. But someday, the going might get tougher than I want it to be. But I trust God's plans.

No matter what happens, I promise to not give up on myself. And no matter what, I'll continue to make her proud. Even if I lose half the things I have right now one day, I will find a way to get back up again because I cannot let her down.

The past is done, the future is unknown. But I still have the power to live life the way I want to, right now, at this very moment. To live in the now. And that's what I'll do.

"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going," could be one of the favourite quotes ever.

I spent a couple days writing and editing this post because I know it's going to be really lengthy and difficult to read till the end. To those of you who made it to this point, thank you for reading. It's like I'm spilling my heart out a lot these days, but I hope perhaps some of you could relate to it and it would probably be something for you guys to think about too. If your younger self met you now, would they be proud?

I hope they are.

God bless.

Love,
Ashhy