You're different

It really sucks when you stick out like a sore thumb sometimes.

Has anybody ever feel that way? When you just don't feel like you belong somewhere. Then you start to question your principles in life, and whether or not life would be easier for you if you just throw them away.

A girl who doesn't drink, party, smoke, and have been together with her boyfriend for over five years. It's a recipe for someone who probably wouldn't know how to enjoy life too much, in the eyes of some. The good girl. So what is she doing here?

Problem is, I've never seen my way of life as a problem until I joined the airline. I grew up in a conservative family, yet my parents have never stopped me from doing anything I wanted to and neither could they. I don't have a lot of friends, just a bunch of close knitted ones that I kept in touch with all my life. And I've never met anyone who has ever loved me just as much as Luke does. My life, is my choice. To not drink, party, smoke, or sleep around, were choices I've made with a clear mind. It's something I have to keep reminding myself if I feel like I might ever stray.

So what am I doing here, exactly? Sometimes I, too, question myself.

I can't help feeling dejected whenever there comes a situation that makes me feel like this. I feel like I'm not strong enough, mentally, to feel secure about my decisions in life. Sometimes, it even makes me feel like I have to prove myself, that I'm more than just the good girl. Why should I?

You're too polite, you're too good, you're boring. 

But I won't falter. Not just yet.

Why am I here? So I can tell my children one day about the places I've been, and how diverse the world is. I want to educate them about life through my eyes, and bring them up as open-minded individuals who wouldn't judge anyone based on the colour of their skin, the language that they speak and how they were being brought up. I want them to treat everyone with equal respect, and have empathy for others and know how not to react according to emotions if ever they were being treated unfairly.

I still have so much that I want to see in life, so much beauty I want to discover and nothing can beat that feeling of euphoria whenever I travel to new destinations and fall in love with the places I go to, the people that I meet and the things that I do in a different city. I love how there will always be something new to look forward to, no matter how many times I've been in the city. I may not know where exactly I am, I may not even speak their language, but I remember the feeling I get when I'm there in the moment. That moment, when you inhale everything good and exhale all the bad.

I refuse to falter because I still can find reasons to smile at the end of a bad flight because I'm always back in the arms of the people I love. I like how I don't have a lot of 'bad flights' stories to tell because I refuse to hold any grudges towards anybody because they don't matter to me at all. And they won't ever matter. Once the flight is over, they don't exist and nothing can hurt me anymore.

I chose to live with this mentality because that's how I keep my sanity in this airline.

I'm still here because this is my rice bowl. This job is how I can afford my lifestyle now. This job allows me to take care of my parents and not having them worry financially anymore. This job is paying for my house and my wedding. This job is for me to save up for my future. I don't care if anyone speaks ill of it, I don't care if I don't fit in sometimes, but I know that if I leave, I'll leave because it's time for me to go and because I want to, and not because of the opinions of others.

So yes, I'm different, and that's okay.

Love,
Ashhy